As we celebrate the end of Season 7, I thought tonight’s finale on a little show called American Idol could use some hype and exposure – so I thought I’d share an opinion or two. In all seriousness, I’m expecting Tuesday and Wednesday night’s viewership and vote totals to go through the roof.

It may be the best finale ever: David the Romantic vs. David the Rocker.

I first started watching American Idol after I had to cover the Season 1 Finale between Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini for a TV Guide Editor’s Pick of the Night. I hadn’t watched an episode before that night… and I’ve been a fan since, though it seems I only watch every other season pretty closely. I guess I love a lot of the show…  and hate some of it too. Let’s see if you agree or disagree. Here we go…

7 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL:

1. CARRIE UNDERWOOD: SMALL TOWN GIRL… BIG TIME DREAMS. Have you ever been to Checotah, Oklahoma – population 4,000? Carrie was a long, long way from Hollywood glitz and glamour. I love how American Idol gives people the opportunity of a lifetime. The show gave Carrie Underwood an opportunity – and she hasn’t come back to earth since. She’s a multi-platinum selling, three-time Grammy Award winner – and the first AI winner to sweep Billboard Music Award, American Music Award and the Grammy Award in the same season. Girlfriend can sing. She’s introduced country music to a brand new audience – and best of all, my buddy Barlow has touched the “small of her back” and he now has reason to continue living.

2. JENNIFER HUDSON: DREAM GIRL. As I previously stated, American Idol gives you an opportunity – and it’s up to you what you do with it. I love that you don’t have to win AI to be a success. Heck, you don’t even have to be a finalist. I love what Chris Daughtry is doing  - but you can’t miss Jennifer Hudson’s meteoric rise to the top. Jennifer was a Season 3 contestant that didn’t even make it to the Top 12 – and was brought back by Randy Jackson in a wildcard round! She ended up finishing 7^th that year. When life gave her lemons, she won a SAG Award, a Golden Globe and an Oscar for her performance in Dreamgirls. Her highly anticipated debut album comes out in September and she will be in three movies within the next year (Sex and the City, Winged Creatures and The Secret Life of Bees).  Her new single “Spotlight” will be on the Sex and the City soundtrack. Hudson is proof that talent and perseverance prevails… and you don’t have to be a size 2 to make something of your life in an annoyingly materialistic industry.

3. I UMMM… WATCH IT WITH MY WIFE. Idol is the only show that I hear guys always referencing it as “watching with their wives or with their kids”. While that may be true – I can’t tell you how many Idol conversations I’ve walked in on where there were no women or kids anywhere in sight. It’s a cool enough show for guys to discuss. Sex and the City is as well… or so I hear.

4. GRACIOUS CONTESTANTS. Last week’s result show documented the hometown visits for the three finalists. I loved the fact that all 3 of them were moved to tears in front of hometown crowds showing them the love. It appeared that they were in genuine awe of their sudden stardom, were graciously taking it all in and humbled by the experience. Hopefully, they never forget their roots and their fans that have helped get them this far.

5. YOU CAN SING, BUT CAN YOU PLAY? Love the fact that AI has allowed contestants to perform with instruments this year. Musicians like it because it’s no longer just a singing contest – and it shows off their musical chops.

6. WILLIAM HUNG: HE BANGS. Has humility ever done so much as it did for William? After Simon blasted him with “You can’t sing, you can’t dance, so what do you want me to say?”, America fell in love with his “I already gave my best, and I have no regrets at all” response and a cult following began. I think I love Hung cuz T-bone Robkoff actually gave me his first album for Festivus. True story. Finally, somebody with a worse voice came along that I could actually sound like. I performed Hung’s She Bangs at a wedding I was DJing – and it was pretty wild. I nailed the Hung dance and vocal impersonation. Whether it was considered “successful” is relative.

7. SIMON SAYS. Simon is the only judge I understand… and he’s British. I need subtitles for Randy (sorry Dawg, you’re still molten lava hot – hot baby! Yeah! ) See, you don’t understand that ether. Paula is on my next list – which leaves us with Mr. Cowell. He’s the “Big Hook” on the show and always delivers. The guy also knows what it means to be at the top – and at rock bottom. He knows the world (and especially the music industry) can be a cold hard place, and tries to prepare the karaoke singers ahead of time. He knows what he’s talking about and I find myself usually agreeing with him. So, he’s rude, mean and sarcastic – but every contestant waits with baited breath for his criticism… and there’s something to be said for that.  At this point in the game – you know what you’ve signed up for if you step foot in his domain. No surprises.

7 THINGS I HATE ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL:

1. STRAIGHT UP… PAULA ABDUL. I don’t hate Paula the person. I just hate hearing comments such as, “You look like a star up there”. Paula, we all know that’s code for “I’m trying to find something nice to say cuz that was a terrible song choice, and an even worse performance”. Last time we checked, it was a singing competition – so please JUDGE the singing and stop the incoherent babbling. It’s not a beauty contest. By the way, I think it’s fair to assume that Paula shared her drugs with Jason Castro this season. What a train wreck those two were.

2. THE VOTING SYSTEM I think I have a better idea. Until we get to the bottom 3 finalists, why not VOTE OFF the person you want to see go home? If 12 people just performed, you’ve got to vote 11 times to really say “Person #4’s gotta go”. The question was rhetorical. The reason is because numbers don’t lie, and advertisers and the like can be wooed by big numbers. I’m sure there’s a lot of money being exchanged with every text, and every call. I don’t care for the system. I would also like to see the judges get a percentage of the final vote. Maybe 25% or so. Perhaps they can bring some sanity to the madness and help eliminate the notion that AI is a popularity contest.

3. DON’T TALK BACK. I really hate this one. If you’re a contestant and you’re getting criticized by Simon – keep your mouth shut. If you want to prove him wrong, listen to him and bounce back next week (if you survive). This guy may have single handedly made you a household name. Remember what you’d be doing if you were not on this show. Keep quiet, and go review the tape before popping off. I remember one year when country boy/Marine Josh Gracin challenged Simon to come up to the stage to do push-ups. Dude, act like you’ve been there before. Historically speaking, the voters usually follow Simon’s lead.

4. I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT. After losing to Ruben, Clay Aiken got a big-shot lawyer to get him out of his management contract that kept him with Fuller, the owner of American Idol – for years to come at a very high commission. Clay, stop acting like a diva, dude. You were a choirboy before the competition. Read the fine print before you audition next time. Wow, people can get greedy pretty fast. I know Clay’s not the only one – he just seemed to fit the word “diva” perfectly.

5. AND STRETCH, AND STRETCH… How long does it take to say, “After last night’s record breaking 86 gazillion votes, the person going home tonight is… so and so”. Does the results show really have to be an hour long every week? I know, I know – advertising money. And why is AI making them sing the same song that America voted them off with as their sayonara?  Here’s what Seacrest should really say. “I know America hated it, and now you’re going home because they hated it… but ya mind singing it again? We’ve got 4 more minutes to fill…”

6. THE DISAPPEARING ACT. Where is Ruben? Where is Taylor Hicks? Where is Katharine McPhee? All I keep hearing is that the Labels keep releasing these peeps. How can that be? They had the world on a string not that long ago. Anyone, Anyone? I think Ruben ate Taylor.

7. FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY. Do not watch this movie. I had to go through the EPK (Electronic Press Kit) for sound bytes and clips – and it was the worst idea ever. Only Olivia Newton-John is happy because this was worse than Xanadu. Somebody owes me 2 hours… and I guarantee I will never get them back. From Justin to Kelly brought in a whopping $5 million at the box office, proving that Idol fans will almost do, and see anything for their faves. They will not go spend another $5 million on rentals and DVD purchases to get it to break even from its $10 million dollar budget. Even the zealots know where to draw the line. Consider yourself warned.

What will happen on Wednesday night? Who will be the next American Idol? Who will sell more albums? Whose album would you buy? What do you Love/Hate about Idol?  

Last month heralded the return of America’s favorite past time and I welcomed the official start of the 2008 Major League Baseball season with open arms.

I exchanged e-mails and phone calls with friends and family about the Red Sox getting their second set of World Series rings in four years (truth is, I didn’t think I’d ever live to see even one championship).

Apart from the usual “Gotta beat the Yankees” stuff, one text message I received from a female friend, who was at the Astros season opener caught my eye. Here it is, word for word:

“OMG new blog topic. Is it appropriate 2 nurse ur baby @ the ball game in front of hundreds? What should I heckle?”

Okay, I’m thrilled that my friends are on the lookout for blog-worthy topics. I am however a bit concerned that this particular person assumes there is an appropriate breastfeeding heckle and that I would know what it is!

Intrigued by the notion of a breastfeeding blog, I thought a little research was in order. Here’s the scoop. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the U.S. breastfeeding rate has hit its highest mark in at least 20 years with 77% of new moms nursing their infants. One CDC spokesman said, “It looks like it is an all-time high”, based on CDC surveys since the mid 1980’s.

Hold on a second here. Though I’m not an expert, I’ve got some problems with that last statistic. Looks like an all-time high… since the mid 80’s? Seriously? What about the days when there were no bottles, no state-of-the-art breast pumps and no formula? Wasn’t breastfeeding at an all-time high back then?

As I continued my research, I discovered how many different social issues are currently out there concerning breastfeeding. I learned that some women have created a new term called “lactivists.” These woman fight for the right to nurse wherever they need to. Just such a fight broke out in a Victoria’s Secret store in 2005 when a “lactivist” mom was asked to use the restroom to feed her child. Anyone else seeing the irony here?

I also read an article that quotes the American Academy of Pediatrics literally recommending that nursing moms should keep their babies close by. Really? Unless you happen to be Dolly Parton, is there some other way to accomplish this task?

Here are some of the most common breastfeeding questions women are facing: What is proper public breastfeeding etiquette? Is half formula/half breast milk a good compromise for the working mom? Do breastfed babies really sleep better through the night?

While these are all valid and thought-provoking questions, I thought I’d focus my attention on the most controversial issue:

How long should you breast feed your child?

Several health organizations suggest mothers breastfeed exclusively for the first six months. At that point they can add other foods, while continuing to breastfeed until the baby is one year old, or older. But how much older? What may be perfect for one, may not be far from perfect for another. Unfortunately, some parents are missing all the signs. But that’s what I’m here for.

There are at least 12 people associated with this blog who are either pregnant, have a pregnant spouse or have had a child in the past year. Last week I had lunch with three other guys (all in this group), and in efforts to shed some clarity to an otherwise murky issue, we came up with some helpful tips for moms trying to figure out when to stop breastfeeding.

I’m not going to give up the names of my co-conspirators, but never underestimate what can happen when one is chugging down a Frosty at Wendy’s.

Lastly, this blog isn’t as full, robust or ample as some of the other blogs I’ve posted. A couple of you have firmly complained that sometimes there’s just too much. An over-abundance, if you will.  You know, blogs come in all shapes and sizes. Some blogs are small and perky and some are unfortunately over-stuffed and artificially enhanced. Though it is not my intent to titillate, I am well aware that bigger doesn’t always mean better. Here we go…

Top 10 Clues to Knowing When to Stop Breastfeeding: 

1. If your child undoes your blouse, unsnaps your bra and then asks, “Got Milk?”… It’s time to stop.

2. If your child leaves a tip when he is done… It’s time to stop.

3. If your child addresses you as “Hey baby”… It’s time to stop.

4. If your child lowers the light, flips on some Barry White and gives you a little wink… It’s time to stop.

5. If your child has a full set of teeth… It’s time to stop.

6. If there is a line of neighborhood children forming behind your child… It’s time to stop.

7. If your child starts accidentally practicing his trumpet lessons while breastfeeding… It’s time to stop.

8. If your child recommends a “breast enhancement”… It’s time to stop.

9. If your child asks if the breast milk comes in different flavors… It’s time to stop.

10. If your child starts looking for an expiration date while feeding… It’s time for a bottle!

As always, feel free to add anything I’ve missed, or purposely left off…

This week’s blog is brought to you by guest-blogger, Larry “T-bone” Robkoff.

Robkoff, welcome aboard! For those of you that have not had the pleasure of knowing or meeting Larry, you’re life has not yet lived itself to the max. I met Larry when he hired me at TV Guide in 2002, and was unbelievable to work for. How unbelievable? The morning I told him I was moving to Houston, I almost vomited in Madeline’s office. I couldn’t imagine working for anyone else that would have me running through a brick wall for him or her. I knew he was going to be missed as a boss – but more as a friend. By the way, I’m well aware there’s a Madeline’s office/vomit joke in there somewhere… I haven’t missed it. Where was I?

Larry’s been behind the scenes and serving as a “blog whisperer” over the last couple of months for me. He nudged me into actually writing a “Friendship Application”, as well as predicting that an “Honesty Week” blog would go over well… or not so well in the case of Kaz Matsui. Larry is one of the coolest cats you could ever, ever meet. His most recent challenge is having me run down to the courthouse to change my last name to Blogna. We’ll see… it’s all yours T-bone.

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately and being a keen observer of the obvious, I have spotted a trend that has me a bit concerned. I have spent nearly my entire adult life learning to communicate in a way that is concise, clear and doesn’t cause people to point and giggle. As such, it frustrates me that a great many TV advertisers have adopted a style of communication whose soul purpose is to trick us into not hearing parts of their message.

Am I suggesting that advertisers are purposefully lying to us? While I’m sure some are completely comfortable doing so, I’m betting the majority are merely hoping that carefully written, mind-numbing language will lull us long enough to drive home whatever it is they’re peddling with pretty pictures.

In order to better illustrate what I’m talking about, let’s have a look at what is being said within a recent commercial promoting the use of the sleep aid Lunesta. The first thirty seconds of the commercial paints a picture of some poor, tired soul, desperate for a good night’s sleep. The second thirty seconds, likely constructed by copywriters working closely with legions of corporate attorneys, conveys lovely images of a woman sleeping peacefully while a Disney-like, gossamer butterfly flits about her face. She of course wakes rested and restored, thanks to Lunesta.

Here is what is being said in the last :30 of the commercial:

Be sure you have at least eight hours to devote to sleep before becoming active. Until you know how you will react to Lunesta, you should not drive or operate machinery. Do not take Lunesta with alcohol. Call your doctor right away if after taking Lunesta you walk, drive, eat or engage in other activities while asleep. In rare cases, severe allergic reactions can occur. Most sleep medicines carry some risk of dependency. Side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, drowsiness and dizziness.

Here is what is REALLY being said:

Be sure you have at least eight hours to devote to sleep… Even if a family of ferrets takes up residence in your pajamas, there is no way you’re waking up in less than eight hours.

Before becoming active. Plan NO early morning activities. In this case, early morning activities may include, but are not limited to: opening your eyes, breathing and getting out of bed.

Until you know how you will react to Lunesta… Take nothing for granted. You may in fact awaken to experience a severe psychotic episode in which Hollywood stars appear less self-serving, French fries are good for you and President Bush registers no difficulty pronouncing the word Nuclear.

You should not drive or operate machinery. Not only is driving ill advised, in most cases, you will be fortunate if you can operate a spoon.

Do not take Lunesta with alcohol. If you combine alcohol with Lunesta, we can’t even list the horrible things that might happen to you.

Call your doctor right away if after taking Lunesta you walk, drive, eat or engage in other activities while asleep.If you take Lunesta and then walk, drive, eat or possibly go bowling while sleeping, you should immediately call your doctor, who has probably had a tough day and deserves a good laugh.

In rare cases, severe allergic reactions can occur. Okay, in MOST cases, allergic reactions can occur. Some of these may be severe, meaning you may be sleeping forever.

Most sleep medicines carry some risk of dependency. You guessed it, this is one of those medicines.

Side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, drowsiness or dizziness. We’re hoping you focus on unpleasant taste and drowsiness and forget all about the fact that side effects may also include driving while you’re asleep!

Special thanks to my friend and fellow traveler, Dino for allowing me some space in which to rant. I now place you back in his capable and very funny hands. Okay, I’ve seen his hands and they’re not that funny, but you get the point!

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. 

Thanks to all of you for making my first blogging experience a “successful” one so far. According to the stats people, this Streams of Unconsciousness Blog is approaching 6,000 views after only 7 posts! My understanding is that it’s a phenomenal number, especially since it’s a private blog that is only sent out to about 75 people. You know, the more you read, the more you encourage me to keep going to that “dark place” for more material…

We are also approaching our 500^th comment! That’s a pretty cool number, since only 20 people or so comment regularly. I know, I know – the rest of you have JOBS. I’m working on a cool prize for Numero 500. Again, I want to sincerely thank you for reading, supporting, commenting and forwarding on to others.

While on the subject of forwarding this blog, exactly who is responsible for sending the last  “Honesty Week” blog to the Houston Astros organization? Well, one of you did. How do I know? I’ve been a sports nut my whole life, and I have never heard of an injury being reported quite like the one newest Astros’ second baseman Kaz Matsui is suffering from. This Friday, he hopes to make his Astros debut after returning from a March 17^th surgery to repair ummm… okay, here it goes … to repair an “anal fissure”. What???? 

Did he and the Houston medical staff need to be this brutally honest? Do you have any idea how scared I am to google the words anal fissure? Seriously dude, how about reporting a pulled groin next time? Lower back pain? Undisclosed ailment, maybe? We had a great creative list at my last job… you should have just called one of us. Getting lost on Turkey Mountain was my favorite by the way.

Obviously, Honesty Week was a very bad idea. Sorry, baseball. Mr. Matsui, you may have however just inspired the “Top 10 Times It’s Okay to Lie Blog”. Geez. TMI, bro. Where was I? Oh yeah, this week’s Blog. Hmmmm, how do I segue from here?

Ever had a crappy boss, manager or supervisor? My very first job was working construction in the summer with my dad when I was 12. From that young age, I started to observe how his boss treated his employees. It’s amazing what you will make mental notes of in life. A big one for me was noticing how my parents were treated when they were employees, and how they treated others when they were the bosses. Not quite the same…

On a side note, I nicknamed my dad’s co-worker that summer – and it has stuck to this day. Poor guy went from being known as Nino, to “Steak-n-Cheese”. Surprisingly, I was in charge of the lunch orders for about 20 guys, and Nino ordered a large Steak-n-Cheese every day. Seemed like the perfect name… this summer will be 24 years that our Italian community back home knows him as Steak-n-Cheese. I’m putting THAT on my resume`, that’s way more impressive than 6,000 views.

I’ve personally had bosses on both coasts and right in the heart of the Bible Belt. I’ve worked with an interesting conglomeration of personalities and backgrounds, to say the least. I think the smartest thing I could have done was learn valuable life lessons from the great bosses, and learn even more from the not-so-great ones. I’ve been working in a creative environment since 1996, so some of my examples may not translate perfectly, but I think you’ll get the idea.

Regardless of what level of management I’ve dealt with, the most important thing I’ve learned is that people have the power of choice. They choose how to conduct themselves in the workplace, and they choose how to treat others. Without further adieu, here are my 10 Commandments for Managing People. They don’t come from a bitter place, and are not directed at anybody. Trust me, they truly come from a lifetime of observations…

I   Thou SHALL humor the employee… at least once. If you’re in a position where you’ve become the middleman on a project, and YOUR boss requests some designs/promos that are “out of the box”, please occasionally submit the above-and-beyond pieces your staff has put together. While you may not like them, (they ARE a little out-of-the-box, remember?) how much is it going to hurt to submit them to your boss? Give him a variety. The work’s been done; reward the employee by turning them in – and just seeing what happens. Seeing several pieces of work can really help the decision making process. You don’t have to turn in every idea, every time. Humor us, and turn one in every now and then. Don’t be so quick to dismiss. Remember that creativity is subjective, and you can’t possibly have the insight of EVERY demographic group out there. Your family isn’t a focus group either. Unless your wife and/or children are on staff, their opinions don’t matter.

II   Thou SHALL NOT humor the employee. Let the funny people be funny. Stop competing with them. Either you were born with the chops, or you weren’t. Don’t force it. Be good at something else. Here’s how you know if you’re funny:

1.)   People will have told you your whole life….”OMG, you’re so funny!”

2.)   You don’t hear crickets after an amusing observation or ”funny” story.

3.)   Your staff has tears coming down their faces accompanied by laughter, instead of staring at the ceiling aimlessly hoping it all just ends. Also, people spitting up their drinks is a good indicator of funny. Nobody is going to waste a drink to brown-nose you.

4.)   If you have to explain a joke, you bombed.

5.)   If the only person always laughing is your right hand man/woman… not funny.

III   Thou shall not micro-manage. You did hire us because we have the necessary skill set to do the job, right? We are qualified and getting paid, correct? If that’s the case, back off and let us do our jobs. If you don’t trust that the project will be completed with excellence by the deadline, give us our pink slips and end this charade. Make changes and give input at the appropriate times. If you’re such an expert, why am I here exactly? Pick your battles. Learn when to let things go.

IV   Thou shall not live in the past. You are no longer at your old company working for your old boss. You were either fired, or you resigned to move on to greener pastures. Either way – please keep it moving. Unless you are specifically asked about your past experiences, assume we don’t want to know. Believe me, if we’re interested, we’ll ask – especially if there’s something to be learned.

V Thou shall not be a hypocrite. Remember that people would rather see a sermon, than hear one any day of the week. Talk is cheap. Your employees are paying attention to your words, and to your actions. Your word is your bond… or it at least should be. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don’t say one thing one day, then say the opposite the next day. I’m not sure there’s a faster way to lose the respect of your employees than by flip-flopping.

VI Thou shall earn employees’ respect. We can respect your position without respecting you. It’s similar to respecting the Office of the President, even though we didn’t vote for him and may disagree on every issue. He’s still the President, but we may not respect what he does/doesn’t stand for. You’re no different. Earn our respect. Being a person of integrity is usually step #1.

VII Thou shall remember you’re not better than anyone. Don’t take yourself too seriously. I don’t care what your title is. Last time I checked, the Master of the Universe created us in His image – and created us equally. You may make more money, live in a fancier house, and drive a faster car – but you’re not better than any of us… and you probably don’t have your own blog. If your boss sounds condescending, it’s because he/she likely believes they ARE better than you. Next time you feel that rudeness coming, make your best DeNiro face, look ‘em in the eye and ask, “You think you’re better than me?” Nine out of ten will act surprised, then lie and say “No, of course not”. Condescending, pompous and cowardly. Nice combo. Where was THAT question on the application?

VIII Thou shall not pretend to be omniscient. You are NOT all knowing. Listen to the people you have hired to take care of all the tiny details and logistics that you couldn’t care less about. Those details are important. Pretending to know everything will usually catch up to you – then bite you where it counts – quite possibly causing an anal fissure… whatever that is.

IX Thou shall have realistic expectations. Know what the workload takes, and be reasonable. Don’t over-promise to your boss because you didn’t ask anyone about the details. Not so omniscient now, are you? Figure out what the best way to get maximum work done, on deadline, without keeping everyone at the office there an extra 25 hours EVERY week. It’s not an “emergency, one time situation” if it keeps happening over and over. Your hourly employees will start to take a big chunk out of your budget with time and a half, and the salaried folks can only take the same mis-management of their time for so long.

X   Thou shall appreciate your assets.

Employees: If you work for someone that truly believes that people are an organizations biggest asset, then your workday will be pure bliss. The other commandments won’t be important, because the boss will already be following them. If a boss recognizes that the “lowest man on the totem poll” is really the guy that is the nuts and bolts of the organization – he will love going to work.

Managers/Supervisors/Bosses: You’d be very surprised how far treating a person with simple human respect and dignity will get you. Know the names of the people that are the lowest paid in your organization. Treat them like they are your son or daughter. Ask them questions, and most importantly – listen to their answers. You have no idea what walls an employee will run through for you if he feels appreciated. Have an idea of what he or she does on a day-to-day basis, and find out if he/she has any ideas on being more efficient. I think most people would rather enjoy going to work than dreading it. Know what your employees are capable of, and look for opportunities for them to excel. It’s really not a difficult formula. Put yourself aside for a minute, and build a TEAM atmosphere.

The greatest of these commandments is Commandment X.

As always, feel free to add any Commandments, I’m sure there are some great ones I’ve left off…

It was three years ago, and I was on the edge. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of sitting in meeting after meeting and not telling the truth. I wasn’t lying – I just wasn’t answering with complete honesty. I was trying to be nice. I was trying to be civil. Was that lying? Was that wrong? Is a half-truth a half-lie? I just remember wishing I had the courage to answer truthfully. Something needed to be done… I needed a plan.

Debbie walked up to me and asked, “What’s this I hear about what you’re trying to do?” I proudly answered, “I’m trying to institute Honesty Week here at the office.” I detailed my great plan to make the office a better place by being honest with one another. After I explained the ground rules, she looked at me and said, “Honesty Week? Your plan won’t last 15 minutes. As humans, we are not equipped to be honest with one another”.

I’m not sure what disappointed me more: That my social experiment had been squashed before I ever launched it, or that Debbie was right. I know that many strive to be kind people – but does being nice trump telling someone the truth? Are we not doing them a disservice by not being honest with them? I believe Reverend Nicholson said it perfectly in 1992’s “A Few Good Men”…

You want answers?

I want the truth.

You can’t handle the truth.

Amen, Jack. Hearing the truth would blow our minds. Debbie was right. We are not equipped for this. When did we become prisoners to white lies, half lies and I’m going to lie to you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings lies? What about knowing exactly where you stand with your family, friends and co-workers? What if we could just be honest with one another? Can’t we all just tell the truth?

Some of you think that the only honest person in America is Simon Cowell. While he may be honest, he’s more than likely perceived as cruel and rude before being recognized for his honesty. Just look at all the singers’ faces when they look at Paula and Randy, and then they hesitantly look at Simon. They know the truth is coming, they’re just hoping it doesn’t hurt.

While Simon being Simon is a huge hook on that show, he could probably stand to be a little less rude and a bit more tactful. You can still tell the truth without devastating someone at the same time. Or can you? Where did the expression “The truth hurts” come from anyway? Was someone trying to be honest?

I watched Idol on Tuesday night, and it was very interesting to see David Cook after his performance. His biggest reaction of joy and relief came after Simon told him he was awesome. David knew that while Simon had the opportunity and power to say whatever he wanted – the truth was so more fulfilling, at least in this particular case – and it was perceived as valid, because it was coming from “the honest guy”.

I would like to take a quick moment to say thank you to David Cook. I did not know other words to Billie Jean existed other than, 

“Bille Jean is not my lover, he heee, sha-mon, he heeee

(moonwalk, leg kick, neck twitch, pelvic thrust, throw your hat)

She’ just a girl that says I am the one… he heeeeee, oooowwwwwww”

That’s at least how I always performed it. And speaking of AI, what’s the deal with Paula? I don’t mind the weight gain, weight loss and medicated/drunkenness during the show – but it’s that clap of hers that I can’t get over. How does she not know how to clap? Her arms are as outstretched as possible and she barely touches her hands when clapping. She looks like a sea lion out there. I’m waiting for the arrrrfff, arrrrfffff, arrrffffffff noises to come next. Somebody throw her a squid next time. Bend your elbows and clap your hands already. They should also make a NOISE when they touch. Where was I?

The type of honesty I’m talking about is the kind that no longer challenges us in every day conversations. We are so committed to sugarcoating and not hurting a friends/spouces/realtives feelings that we don’t even realize that we are walking around as liars. Seems like the most honest conversations with people start with “off the record”, or end with “keep it on the DL”.

Here are a few examples of what honesty sounds like, in case you’ve only ever heard it in your head…

Dentist: Joe, have you been flossing?

Joe: Nope. I haven’t flossed since the last time I was here. I did brush my teeth for an extra 10 minutes this morning hoping to pull the wool over your eyes…

Wife: Does my butt look huge in these jeans?

Husband: Yes.

Wife: Sweetie, what are you thinking?

Husband: Know that woman we saw jogging an hour ago? I’m thinking about her. What are you thinking of?

Wife: I’m thinking of the shirtless man that was jogging behind her.

Husband: Huh, that’s funny…

Daycare worker: Mrs. Smith, you have to come pick up your child he’s sick.

Mom: Really? Still sick?

Daycare worker: You knew your child was sick?

Mom: Yes I did. He was up all night, threw up three times on the drive in and was running a low-grade fever at the time. I was hoping to sneak him in because I had an important meeting, and coincidentally I have no consideration for the other families that may be affected.

On January 23^rd, Fox debuted a show called “Moment of Truth”, where contestants are asked personal questions while hooked up to a lie detector. The person that answers all the questions truthfully wins a butt-load of money. Is this really happening? Is America really tuning in to see if someone will actually go through with this horrendous action called the truth?

If the Duke brothers could turn Billy Ray Valentine from street criminal to stock market wiz with a social experiment, imagine what we could do? I truly believe this can be one of those “Pay it Forward” movements that can sweep this country. Why not us? Let’s be honest… at least for a week. I challenge us all tell the truth for the next 7 days. Here are 5 easy ground rules:

1.) You can only be honest when asked a question. You just can’t walk around telling people how they look, or what you think about everything under the sun – unless you are asked.

2.) You cannot be rude, cruel or disrespectful on purpose. Just answer the question. Here’s an example of the right and wrong kind of honesty…

Right:

Does my butt look huge in these jeans? Yes.

Wrong:

Does my butt look huge in these jeans? Yes. You should do something with your hair as well – and a little more make-up to cover those blemishes wouldn’t hurt either.

3.) Unless you’ve broken the law, there are NO repercussions for your honesty. The other party CANNOT hold your honesty against you – and cannot retaliate with their own honesty, unless asked a question.

4.) There are no personal third party questions. In other words, you cannot ask me a question about someone else that we both know. You can ask me what I think of Hillary or McCain, since I don’t know either of them, but you can’t ask me to comment on my co-workers. That’s just not right.

5.) You are allowed to lure someone into asking a question. Let’s say for example, that your sister is a terrible driver – but you’ve never had the courage to tell her. You are allowed to roll down the window, act sick and moan and groan until she finally asks what’s wrong. I’ll tell you what’s wrong… your driving is making me car sick… and so on.

I believe we can really start something here by being honest. Who knows, maybe this will catch on and someday we can have a national “Truth Day”. If you’re nervous about it, I have an out for you. When asked a question, you can ask back, “Honestly?”  If the answer is yes, give ‘em the truth brothers and sisters.

Go out and be honest this week, and let me know how that works out for you. I, on the other hand will have a warning sign on my door: Only ask… if you want the truth. After all, it is Honesty Week.

Streams of Unconsciousness 2008 Blog Brackets

CONGRATULATIONS TO ROCKEFELLAR SHANKLIN!!!

If Ron wears his KU sweater tomorrow, I’m going to pee in his gas tank.

I received an interesting e-mail a couple of weeks ago. It was a “Blog Request” from a friend in Los Angeles whom I’ve known as B-Love, for the past 15 years. B is one of my dearest friends on the planet and told me about a funny story that had just happened to him. Note to Professor Klump: He is the original Buddy Love. Hercules!, Hercules!, Hercules! still belong to you.

B’s mom is a big time producer in LA. On one of her walls in the living room she has a couple of framed gold albums that the family worked on. I tried sleeping on the couch under those albums one night, while completely convinced that there was going to be an earthquake. I was plotting and scheming all night on how to avoid wearing glass as soon as I heard the rumble. Needless to say, no earthquake. Why didn’t I just pull the couch out a little? Where was I?

The other day, B’s 5 year-old son, who has been to grandma’s house a gazillion times, looked at the albums, then looked at grandma, then the albums again, and with a confused look on his face he finally asked, “Grandma, why are those CD’s so big?”

B-Love, who goes by the blogging name 1NationUnderAl, started to wonder about what OTHER things his son was going to grow up with – without ever knowing what his parents experienced. He asked if I could start a list. Why would I do this for B? Well, for one, he’s the ONLY person I went to school with that is making good on his “I’ll take care of you later” speech if I helped get him through college. J

This blogging community has an interesting age group. I believe my brother is the youngest (23) and the oldest is in their late 50’s. Of course, the median age for those of us that “comment” on the blog is 11. Incidentally, my father-in-law is on this list and I thought this might be a good time to give him props for inventing something that has withstood the test of time. My father-in-law invented the high-5. It’s true and he swears by his story. He and a basketball teammate invented it at Boise State University before playing in a game. If you don’t believe me, just ask him. Yes, I married into the perfect family… 

With such a wide gap in ages, the biggest changes that most of us realize are going to be technological advancements. I tried to come up with some others as well. Pease add yours. Your feedback makes this all rewarding.  Well, some of the feedback…

Things that our children/grandchildren will never experience…

1.) Waiting to get your photos developed. I thought One-Hour Photo was a tremendous advancement – until the digital camera came along. Can you imagine taking an important photo now without immediately knowing if someone blinked? Major props to all those wedding photographers and the like that had one chance to capture those special moments. I’ve actually been in a darkroom to process photos. Dominic won’t know what a negative is.

2.) Having a moment of silence at school. This is still an issue in many states, with some believing that the moment of silence is unconstitutional. Believe it or not, I’m okay with not having prayer in public schools. I wouldn’t want to sit through a prayer if I didn’t believe what everyone else did in a PUBLIC setting. That’s why I liked the moment of silence. Pray to your God quietly for a minute – or try to make others giggle out loud, while hopefully getting THEM in trouble…especially the “un-believers”.

3.) Celebrities and athletes having private lives. The Internet is the paparazzi’s dream come true. Goodness gracious, how many people care what club Britney went to last night? Sadly, I think the answer is too many. Stories that are now “news-worthy” would have been considered a joke 20 years ago. This is definitely the TMI age. I guess this insanity would go away if our appetite wasn’t as sick as it is.

4.) Working out with a yellow Sony Walkman that plays audiocassettes. Do you remember copying your favorite music to a 120-minute tape? The longer the tape, the louder the hiss. There were no cues to the next song either. Fast Forward, Rewind, Eject and flip the tape over for more music. None of these things were difficult while going for a jog, or riding a bike.

5.) Going to a wedding/club where the DJ is mixing and scratching with records. I think I bought my last record in 1990. There was this great gold-mine of a store right down the street from my house that sold the best music that was only available on vinyl – made specifically for radio DJ’s. LP and EP cuts weren’t available in any other format. I think the “speeds” on turntables were 33,45 and 78. Perhaps somebody a little “older” can correct me if I’m wrong J

6.) Watching a black and white television. While watching it, there was no cable, no remote control and only 5 channels to choose from. The back of the TV set had rabbit ears, aluminum foil and a butter knife strategically placed in one of the screws on the back to insure that perfect picture. Of course, as soon as the channel was changed, you start all over. Without a remote, how many times you getting up to change the channel anyways? B-Love once told me he knew he was lazy when he kept walking back and forth past the television looking for the remote.

7.) Surround Sound. This was the sound everyone in the room heard when you whacked the TV set because the rabbit ears, aluminum foil and butter knife didn’t work.

8.) Driving in a station wagon with wooden panels on the doors and no law about seat belts. What was the deal with the paneling? That back seat could fit 6 people on it. There was no seat belt law back then because it was still legal for parents to beat their kids. Not wearing a seat belt allowed the child some room to keep avoiding that swinging backward hand.

9.) Going to school where no one in your class is diagnosed with ADD. When did the whole ADD movement happen? I’m not questioning it’s validity – I just know for a fact that no one I went to school with was diagnosed with it. We just figured parents dropped us on our heads one too many times – and then we moved on. By the time Dominic gets to 1^st grade, Ritalin will be available with his lunch and chocolate milk in the cafeteria.

10.) Using whiteout on your term papers. We needed whiteout because we were using typewriters. I graduated college in 95 and wrote my senior paper on a Brother 4400 word processor. I knew of ONE person that owned a personal computer, and he was the richest kid in the school. I could use my phone today to do it. Oh yeah – we didn’t have the Internet or e-mail either.

11.) Waiting to see an episode of your favorite TV show you missed. If you missed one, you had 2 options:

1 – Wait for the network to repeat it (could take up to 6 months)

2 – Call everyone you know to see if they “taped” it.

Between You Tube and a plethora of other “sources”, now you just have to wait a couple of hours. This advancement is unreal. I remember when Jess and I watched the entire first season of 24 on one rainy weekend (pre-child of course). Everyone else watched it over 24 weeks and dealt with commercials. Having access to these shows on DVD wasn’t available even 10 years ago. Amazing. My brother recently caught up on the entire first season of Friday Night Lights by watching it on NBC.com for free. It took him a few days, but now he’s caught up on season 2 as well, and ready to watch regularly.

12.) Writing a letter, putting a stamp on it, and mailing it. I’m fairly positive my son will never do this. Why would he? The stamp will be close to obsolete in a few years. Talk about reasons to go postal…

I’ve left a ton of things off this list… let the games begin. Happy Friday.

Streams of Unconsciousness 2008 Blog Brackets

Results Through Sunday Night’s Games.

1st Round Scoring 1 point per win, 1 point per upset 

2nd Round Scoring 2 points per win, 1 point per upset 

	Rd 1	Rd 2	TOTAL
Hay Seuss	30	20	50
White Powell	25	21	46
Will-Rams	26	20	46
Rockefeller Shank	26	20	46
Sharona	23	23	46
Bobo	26	19	45
DeFabuloso	25	20	45
Buck Naked	23	21	44
Tight Shirt Micah	26	18	44
Walking Girl	24	19	43
Man of Steele	24	18	42
1NationUnderAl	21	21	42
Clifford The Big Red Dog	23	18	41
Super Shwahh	24	16	40
Soup Nazi	27	10	37
Can of Curry	21	14	35
DJ B in the House	16	12	28

I think I finally found a headline catchy enough to have my friend Molly finally read this blog… though I have a feeling she’s going to be utterly disappointed.

My buddy Goodsell is a great guy. He is the unique blend of sweetheart, rock star  (www.6footlanding.com), and athlete – with the exception of hitting a 90mph racquetball with a wiffle ball bat from 20 feet away. Only T-Bone Robkoff seemed to do it consistently. Of course, I wasn’t throwing anybody any strikes, but was rather trying to “plunk” them instead. That’s another blog, for another day. Where was I?

Back to Goodsell. To know him is to love him. One day we were all in the Pilot headed to lunch when somebody did something stupid in another car, and I blasted my horn at him or her… because that’s what car horns are for, right? When we finally got to our location, Goodsell looked at me and said, “I’ve lived in Oklahoma my whole life, and I’ve only been in a car with two people that use their horns. You and DeFabio.” I was shocked. How could that be? DeFabio’s a stud from Chicago. He’s also Italian, arguably the biggest contributor to his “stud-ness”.

What was going on here? Could it be that the only 2 people Goodsell knew that used their horns were hot-blooded Italians from big cities? Did people not get the memo? We don’t take our hand OFF the horn in Beantown.

Testing the car horn was the first thing they taught us in Driver’s Ed. It was more important than where the gas and brake pedals were. Why? Think about it. If you’re in the passenger seat and need to lean over and blast the horn, knowing where the gas and brakes are do you no good. The second thing we learned in DE was adding “20” to the speed limit. That was the REAL speed limit.

Goodsell’s comment has stayed with me, and prompted some research. Here’s a list based on a recent national survey of which 25 cities are hosting the worst drivers in the country:

1. Miami

2. New York

3. Boston

4. Los Angeles

5. Washington, D.C.

6. Phoenix

7. Chicago

8. Sacramento, Calif.

9. Philadelphia

10. San Francisco

11. Houston

12. Atlanta

13. Detroit

14. Minneapolis-St. Paul

15. Baltimore

16. Tampa, Fla.

17. San Diego

18. Cincinnati

19. Cleveland

20. Denver

21. Dallas-Ft. Worth

22. St. Louis

23. Seattle-Tacoma

24. Pittsburgh

25. Portland, Ore.

So DeFabs came from #7, and I came from #3. Is that the explanation? Regardless of where I’ve driven – I have learned that there are two types of drivers out there: Those that use their car horns (Horn-ee), and those that are deathly afraid of it (Not so Horn-ee). To Honk or Not to Honk, that is question. If you are a honker, which one are you?

1.) The Good Samaritan Honk. This is where you give another driver a “cordial honk” letting them know they’ve committed a traffic violation. This usually happens when the violation doesn’t even affect you. You are doing a public service. It’s as if the honk is saying “I noticed you didn’t use your blinker three blocks ago… so careful next time.” Just a heads up here, but my research has shown that 99% of the time, the driver of that vehicle has no idea what you are honking at, and may honk back at you. Let it go at that point. You’ve done your part.  After completing the Good Samaritan Honk, Jess always asks me, “Do you really think you’re making a difference?” Yes, Yes I do… one car at a time.

2.) The Mercy Honk. You realize well in advance of laying on the horn that the perps not moving when the light turns green are elderly, have a handicap tag or both. You gently and mercifully let them know that it’s okay to go now. Performing the Mercy Honk does not mean you are a nice person. It means you don’t want to be responsible for scaring somebody to death. No points earned – but you’re smart.

3.) The Baby on Board Honk. Feel free to let the other drivers know putting your young child in danger is not cool. Messing with you is one thing…

However, a word to the wise: Be careful for use of any foul language. A child that goes home with a few new choice words could be worse than needing a new bumper.

4.) The Scarecrow Honk. You’re all set to honk… till you realize that the person/people in the car are, or could be members of a gang. You realize living is more important than making a point. Actually, you’re scared out of your mind, so you give them your lunch money and offer to pay their tolls. You big wee-nee. Needless to say… there’s no honk.

5. The Hey Baby, I Think You’re Hot Honk. Seriously. Has this ever worked? Have you ever known a couple that lived happily ever after because he honked at her at the bus stop? C’mon. What’s the thinking here? “Hey, if you think I’m hot too, maybe you could write down my license number, look me up at the DMV and then give me a call, okay? I’m not desperate, just… Hornee”.

6.) The Talk To My Horn Honk. This one gets me every time. I’m not one of those people that needs a thank you if I do something nice. I’m really not. Except in this specific case. If we’re in traffic, and I let you in… I better be getting the “Thank You Wave”. If not, HOOOOOOOONNNNNKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!. Now you’re talking to MY Hand – on the horn. You do know that I didn’t have to let you in, right? Have the common courtesy to say thank you, you ingrate. These people are the worst offenders.

7.) The Slow Down You Moron Honk. You’re telling someone else to slow down. Ironic, isn’t it? Weren’t you just honking at someone else to speed up?

8.) The Thanks For Nothing Honk. This one usually happens if you don’t get the “Thank You Wave” I spoke of earlier. Now you’re perturbed. You’ve done your part today, but now you’re dealing with “Mr. Blinders”. This cat sees you inching your way in while you’re trying to give him the “please help me out wave”. But he’s too busy pretending he doesn’t have any peripheral vision, and chooses to NOT let you in – even though he’s stuck at a red light. You eventually make your way in, catch up to him/her and let ‘em have it. The sense of satisfaction is quite rewarding when you’re done honkin’. Thanks for nothing.

9.) The Bad News Bears Honk. This one is a little tricky. You are only in this camp if you’ve performed more than one of the following honks:

The Single – Blasting your horn for at least 4 seconds.

The Double – Blasting your horn, and letting out some verbiage simultaneously.

The Triple – Blasting your horn, letting out verbiage and staring down the other driver.

The Homer – Blasting your horn, bird flipping, catching up to the driver to make eye contact, blasting the horn a second time. This my friends, puts the road – in road rage.

10.) The Air Honk. Air Honk? This is one I’d like to challenge us as a blogging society to start using. I have been running experiments all week long – and it is awesome. People will definitely start thinking twice. You can buy an air horn for about $5 at any Wal-Mart. It’s good for approximately 100 blasts and the packaging says it’s safe for the ozone. Great for the ozone, how wonderful is that? I’ll use the Air Horn instead the next time I’m in my SUV and want to blast my horn at someone driving a Toyota Prius. I think we should start using the Air Horn in everyday situations. If somebody takes credit for your idea in a meeting without giving you props… HOOOONNNNKKKKKKKK. If you’re trying to get off the elevator, and the people that don’t know to let you off before they get on try to walk right in… HOOOONNNNKKKKKKKK. Somebody says something inappropriate in a meeting… you get the idea. This would also be great for someone breaking Cell Phone Commandment X in the bathroom. The echo alone would do what 100 flushes couldn’t.

What about the grocery store? Is there a greater need? Talk about no right of way – just a bunch of people who can’t drive… HOOOONNNNKKKKKKKK.

I ask you again… Are You Hornee, Baby?

Please feel free to add any “Honks” that I may have left off. I apologize if I’ve ever scared the daylights out of you while driving. Good thing I’m not from Miami.

My therapist was right. She told me that no matter where I went in life, I would always be drawn to funny, creative, unusual, talented, warm, compassionate, friendly beings. Oddly enough, she never mentioned smart . I was told that these people would come in all sorts of sizes, genders and races. So be on the lookout for them.

You may not know this, but at least twice a year (for the last 10 years), I would yell out…”That’s it! In January, I’m getting all new friends. THAT’S my resolution.” What spurred on the comment was that somebody inevitably would do something to remind me that regardless of sex, race or gender – all my friends seemed to be identically alike. My buddy Hanoosh was on hand every time I yelled this out. Maybe Hanoosh was/is the problem? Maybe I’m the problem.

Last week’s blog did it for me. It confirmed my deepest fears. We started out so nicely, and we ended with a mother of 2 young kids offering to shave her back. That’s it people! I have to make some changes! All my friends, colleagues and acquaintances are all on the same side of the preverbal seesaw. I need to find some new blood. I’m by no means replacing anybody, just looking for balance. There is NO ONE on the other side of the seesaw. The Infamous E thinks my subconscious motive is to have these people in my life so that I can make fun of them. We’ll see.

I’m seriously overdue for balance. I need to know more people that go to the opera and read Shakespeare, and less that are willing to mud wrestle for the sake of continuing the blog. If all of you are a small reflection of who I am – then I don’t care for myself one bit. I hate to punish the group because of a few bad apples… but I think the whole orchard’s gone awry…

If you are interested in being my friend or acquaintance, please fill out the application below. There are no wrong answers – just honest ones. I’m sorry – but I need to get this all sorted out. I think this is the best way. I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. I hope you understand…

This blog is dedicated to T-Bone & Hanoosh for inspiring/challenging/almost daring me to write it. Happy Birthday to my dad, my sister Linda and my future daughter-in-law Isabella DeFabio.

1 What are you applying for today?

A.) Acquaintance

B.) Friendship

2 How long have you known me?

A.) Less than a year

B.) 1-3 years

C.) 3-5 years

D.) Too long

3 Do you think I’m funny?

A.) Yes

B.) No

4 Do you think you’re funnier than me?

A.) Yes

B.) No

5 Have you ever been invited to my house in Boston?

A.) Yes

B.) No

6 Did you ever promise to “take care of me later”, if I helped you get through college?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) Yes – and I am taking care of you

D.) Yes – but I prefer to not be a man of my word

7 Have you ever called me and instructed/begged me to kick Cooley in the groin the next time I see him?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) No, but I’d like you to kick him now that you mention it.

8 Have YOU ever thrown a Superbowl Party at MY house?

A.) Yes

B.) No

9 Have you ever cheated while playing golf with me?

A.) Yes

B.) No

10 Have you ever tried to date my sister?

A.) Yes

B.) No

11 Have you and I ever slept in the same room?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) No, let’s keep it that way.

12 My wife is…

A.) A Saint

B.) Blind and/or deaf

C.) A glutton for punishment

D.) All of the above

E.) One lucky woman

13 Has my mom ever cooked for you?

A.) Yes

B.) No

14 Have you asked my parents to “adopt you”?

A.) Yes

B.) No

15 Seeing me prepare canolis at work is…

A.) Normal behavior

B.) Normal behavior for someone like me

16 Have you ever tasted a canoli before meeting me?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) Yes – but not as good as yours

17 Oklahoma State University fans are…

A.) Fragile

B.) Misunderstood

C.) The worst fans on the planet

D.) All of the above

18 The Shopping Cart. The Carlton. The Cullino. The Hanoosh. The Jump Rope. The Running Thru The Forest. How many of these dances have you seen me either practice, or perform?

A.) None

B.) All

C.) Only a couple

D.) One too many

19 My dad is…

A.) One cool cat

B.) Not someone you want to cross

C.) An unbelievable dancer

D.) All of the above

E.) A Gangster for sure

20 My mom’s cooking is…

A.) Out of this world

B.) Making you fatter just thinking about it

C.) Don’t know – you’ve banned me from meeting her

21 If you beat me at golf, do you save the scorecard for future humiliation?

A.) Yes

B.) No

22 If you lose a golf ball on the course, who you gonna call?

A.) Ball Busters

B.) Barlow

C.) Staffabio

D.) Moran

23 Richard and Lindsay Roberts are…

A.) Fragile

B.) Misunderstood

24 Who is Barlow Girl?

A.) A nickname Hanoosh made up for Brian Barlow that he prefers to use behind his back

B.) Christian rock group performing in Oklahoma City on Feb 28^th

C.) ummmm, both?

25 Who is my favorite Seinfeld character?

A.) Jerry

B.) George

C.) Kramer

D.) Newman

E.) Banya

26 Is my line in the sand a straight line, or is it a zig zag, as Justin likes to suggest?

A.) Straight

B.) Zig-Zag

C.) Either way, I’ve probably crossed it.

27 Do you read poetry on purpose?

A.) Yes

B.) No

28 Have you ever gone to an opera – and attending was YOUR idea?

A.) Yes

B.) No

29 If I mention an idea to you, and you mention said idea in a meeting – and the client loves the idea… what do you immediately do?

A.) Take credit for the idea

B.) Give me the proper credit right away

C.) Thank me privately for the idea

D.) Convince yourself the idea was yours

30 People who drive Harley’s are…

A.) Usually driving their bikes from the mechanics shop

B.) The coolest people on planet Earth

C.) So scary you have to respect them

D.) All of the above

31 Who is Newman?

A.) My dog

B.) Wayne Knight’s character on Seinfeld

C.) Randy Smothers

D.) All of the above

32 Who is T-bone?

A.) Me

B.) George Costanza

C.) Jamie Mickle

D.) Larry Robkoff

E.) All of the above

33 I live and die by the…

A.) Boston Rod Sox

B.) Boston Celtics

C.) Boston Bruins

34 Have you ever “heckled” with me at a sporting event?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) No – but I’d like to.

D.) Yes – and I’ll do it again.

E.) Yes – and I’ll NEVER do it again.

35 Michael Jackson enjoys shopping at Kmart because…

A.) He can’t afford to go anywhere else

B.) Boys pants are always half off

36 Should the Patriots have an *asterisk on their 2008 season?

A.) Yes

B.) No

37 Did you see “Bo’s Sharona” in person at my wedding?

A.) Yes

B.) No

38 If you could only pick one, which pro sport would you pay money to go see?

A.) Soccer

B.) Baseball

C.) Football

D.) Basketball

E.) Hockey

39 Do you think B. DeFabio and I “fixed” the March Madness pool brackets so that we would win 3 out the last 4 years?

A.) Yes

B.) No

40 Have you ever “returned serve”?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) I’m not privy to what that means.

41 Have you ever voted for an American Idol?

A.) Yes

B.) No

42 Do you have any songs from the Backstreet Boys in your itunes library?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) I just go to Buck’s cube if I have an itchin’ for Nick Carter

43 Have you ever asked me if my baby brother was single?

A.) Yes

B.) No

44 Is there anything you’d like to say about yourself that would move you to the top of this list?

The best Disc Jockeys in the world will tell you that what separates a good DJ from a bad DJ is the ability to “read the crowd”. A bad DJ will have a list of songs ready to go, and stick with the list regardless of how the crowd is reacting to his music choices. It’s actually pretty bad when a DJ gets the place rocking then goes to the next song on his list completely oblivious to what’s happening. Talk about a momentum killer. A good DJ will have a list, but will ignore it when he sees the crowd reacting to certain styles of music that night. He will “feel the crowd” and give them more of what they want. My baby brother (6’ 2, 200 lbs , 23 years old, handsome) is great at this. He’s got a mental spreadsheet ready to go. Crowd goes this direction – and then Boom! His next 5 songs give them more of what they want without skipping a beat. Pun totally intended.

I’m hoping to “read the crowd” and give you more of what you want this week. Judging by the unforeseen and twisted turn the blogging took last week, I’ve learned we need some cell phone rules… especially in the bathroom. For some sick reason, you care what I think – so here we go with the 10.5 Commandments for Cell Phone Etiquette:

I   Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s iphone.

Coveting is not cool. Nobody likes a coveter. Spending way too much money on a phone you can’t afford  - that will no doubt have 10 times the upgrades in 6 months – thus making your phone 100% depreciated in value… that’s cool.

II   Thou shall not make phone calls entering a tunnel or elevator.

I love my mom to pieces – but she’s the #1 offender on this one.

Hi D, how you doing?

Good ma. What’s happening?

Oh not too much…

I

Just

Entered

The

Ted

Williams

Tunnel

So

I

May

Lose

You

(Static)

Hello? Anyone? Bueller? Wow, how surprising that we got cut off AGAIN. Let’s make the calls when we EXIT the tunnels and elevators. However, there is an EXCEPTION to the rule. If you’re on that dreaded call that you’ve been unsuccessfully trying to get out of and you see an elevator – dive in and blame what’s sure to be a lost call on the vator. Works every time. So I’ve heard…

III   Thou shall not use the cell phone while going through a drive-thru or standing in line at the grocery store.

Not too concerned about the person on the other end of the phone on this one. Grocery store lines and drive thru’s need to move as quickly as possible. Have your debit card/credit card/cash ready and be focused. Don’t even look at those tempting magazine covers. Focus. Lindsay Lohan will be in and out of rehab for the next 5 years. There’s nothing to read there. There are too many people on the verge behind you.

IV   Thou shall use shorthand everyone understands while texting.

LOL, OMG, BFF – that type stuff. Don’t get carried away.  I tried to coin ONYD the other day (Oh No You Di’nt). Too confusing, it’ll never catch on. I’ll leave the shorthand for 11 year-old girls to create. Be succinct. Be clear.

V   Thou shall not head up a meeting, and answer cell phone during meeting.

Pretty obvious, right? Here’s another EXCEPTION. If you are being forced to attend the meeting, it is perfectly acceptable to have someone else in the meeting call you (they can do this by keeping the phone under the table and out of sight). This will allow you the opportunity to answer the call and literally run to put out that “client fire”. Heck, you’ll probably be viewed as a loyal company guy. That stuff NEVER happened at my old job, right PC?

VI   Thou shall know thy ring tone.

Do you know what your phone sounds like, or not? I was in a restaurant for lunch the other day and this lady kept reaching for her phone no matter what ringer she heard ringing. Is that my phone? Is that mine? I think that’s mine. Your ringer is not a chameleon. It doesn’t take on the identity of the other ring tones around it. Know what it is. If it sounds like someone else’s – then change it.

VI .5   If your ring tone is annoying, thou shall answer it as fast as possible.

Especially a bad song.

VII   Thou shall silence phone before entering movie theatre.

Talk all you want while ordering your popcorn and buying your tickets. Just make sure your phone is on vibrate or shut off BEFORE you enter the theatre. Why? When was the last time you saw a movie that was better than it’s trailer? Most of us are going to enjoy the 5 or so trailers more than the main attraction – so give us that, okay? Oh yeah, and leave your whiney 2 year-old at home unless you plan on paying for my ticket.

VIII   Thou shall not take cell calls while in the middle of a conversation with someone.

Heard it’s rude. What if the phone call is going to be soooo much better than the convo you’re in the middle of? Tricky.

IX   If thou sees a bumper sticker that reads “Monica Lewinsky’s Ex-Boyfriend’s Wife Is Running For President”, then thou can break Commandments 2,3,5,7,8.

All bets are off at that point. If you see it – call, text, take pictures and send to everyone you know… no matter where you are. I’m sure both sides of the aisle will get a kick out of it.

X   Thou shall not use cell phone in a public restroom – especially at work.

In the privacy of your own home, do whatever and talk wherever you want. I do believe that making the call from the bathroom is worse than taking the call in the bathroom – but both are inexcusable. I don’t care if you’re the only one in there. People shouldn’t feel like they are invading your space if they walk into the crapper and you’re yapping away. The 3-4 flushes in a row you hear aren’t courtesy flushes. You’re probably so wrapped up in your conversation that it’s very unlikely you’re hearing any of the “get off the phone now” hints. There were a number of us that would use the bathrooms at the Marriott Hotel, which was connected to TV Guide through the 007 door. We walked the extra 4 minutes because it was very clean, played nice music and was quiet. For some of us, it’s the only 10 minutes of peace we get all workday. Shut up when we’re in there. Don’t even ask me how I’m doing. Again, focus. The bloggers have made it clear they are not only ready to flush you out, (see comments from last blog) but they’re ready to add you to the list of Bathroom Cell Phone Perpetrators. Don’t be a perpetrator.

The greatest of these commandments, is Commandment X.

If you feel you are unsuccessful at getting a hold of me on my cell phone, chances are I’m following one of my 10.5 Commandments at that given time. I can’t be a violator.

As always, feel free to add any comments or commandments I may have left off.

May 14, 2008 will mark the 10-year anniversary of Seinfeld going off the air with original episodes. Of course, syndication has been fantastic for Jerry and company – not to mention the studios and networks as well. Reruns have helped the die-hard fans still get their fix, while ushering in new fans that never caught the original episodes during prime time. The show still has an incredible following 10 years later.

I recently heard that Jason Alexander (George “Can’t Stand Ya”) gets more fan mail now than he did while the show was part of that great Thursday night “Must See TV” lineup on NBC (dew, dew, dew).

In 2002, TV Guide magazine named Seinfeld the greatest show of all-time. That’s pretty high praise for a magazine that had been around for 50 years and had seen it all. The list was not limited to sit-coms either. It included all genres. Not only do I completely agree with TV Guide, I don’t even know who would come in second place. Perhaps we can blog about that sometime…

The show was on the air for 9 seasons and created 180 episodes. The writing was brilliant, the comedic timing was impeccable and the cast was perfect. It created quite a sub-culture of it’s own and it’s legacy continues to yada, yada, yada…

A couple of months ago we were sitting in the break room at work, and another huge fan asked me what my favorite episode was. I drew a blank. No idea. I had never thought about it before – there are just so many great ones.

Since I needed new Blog material, I’ve thought about it quite a bit this week, and decided that a Top 10 Seinfeld Episodes was Blog-worthy. It was very difficult getting it down to just 10. Good luck with that.

On the bubble are…“The Hamptons”, “The Fusilli Jerry”, “The Puffy Shirt”, “The Virgin” and of course, what would a bubble be without “The Bubble Boy”.

The list is obviously just an opinion. Feel free to agree or disagree. Have fun with it. Just blog catch phrases if you want to. A 10 minute get-away, if you will. I’ve also included a memorable line from each episode. (Copy/Pasting takes hardly any time at all)

If you need some help remembering, here’s a link to remind you of some of the greatest, smartest and funniest episodes you may ever see…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Seinfeld_episodes

Here’s to you Jerry… I hope it’s GOLD!

10. The Seven    (Ep #123)

Elaine sees a girl’s bike she wants, but she strains her neck trying to get the bike down from the wall. In pain she promises the bike to whoever fixes her neck. Kramer saves the day and wants the bike. George is angry when Susan’s cousin chooses to name her baby with the name he planned to give his first offspring. He desperately tries to convince them to use another name. Kramer works out an arrangement with Jerry to keep track of what he takes from Jerry’s kitchen. Jerry is curious when his girlfriend is always wearing the same dress, every time they go out.

Jerry: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of

school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually

seven years to life. Yeah, you’re doing that child quite a service.

9. The Junior Mint    (Ep #60)

Jerry has a date with a woman whose name he has forgotten, but it “rhymes with a female body part.” Could it be “Mulva”? Elaine visits an old boyfriend who’s in the hospital for an operation; he was once fat, but now that he’s thin – she’s interested again. Kramer gets an opportunity to witness the operation and he drags Jerry along, while watching they have an accident with a “Junior Mint.”

Kramer: Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint -it’s delicious!

Jerry: That’s true.

Kramer: It’s very refreshing!

8. The Outing    (Ep #57)

No thanks to Elaine, Jerry must work hard to prove he is straight when a college reporter mistakenly reports that he and George are gay. Things really get out of hand when the article is picked up by the New York Post. Jerry ends up dating the college reporter to clear his name, but all does not go well.

Jerry: We’re not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

7. The Boyfriend (1 hour)    (Ep # 34/35)

Jerry meets Keith Hernandez and wants to make a good impression. Meanwhile, George is out of time on his unemployment and he works harder than ever on his scheme to get a 13 week extension. He tells the unemployment office he was really close on Vandelay Industries, a company that makes latex products and whose main office is Jerry’s apartment. Kramer and Newman hate Hernandez back to a time when they were allegedly spit on by him; however, Jerry supports the “second-spitter theory.” Keith asks Jerry about Elaine’s status. Keith makes a date with her and breaks a date with Jerry.

Jerry: That is one magic loogey!

6. The Soup Nazi    (Ep #116)

The gang all loves the soup from a new, temperamental cook unofficially called the “Soup Nazi”. Jerry and his girlfriend are beyond affectionate, and their nickname “Schmoopie” drives George crazy. Elaine buys an antique armoire on the street, but it is stolen while being guarded by Kramer.

Elaine: You know, has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino. You know, Scent of a Woman? HOO-AHH! HOO-AHH!

Soup Nazi: Good, very good, you know something?

Elaine: What?

Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Elaine: What?

Soup Nazi: Come back, one year! Next!

5. The Calzone    (Ep #130)

George becomes Steinbrenner’s pet, when he shares an eggplant calzone with him. Kramer is raving about wearing clothes “straight out of the dryer.” Jerry thinks that Elaine’s boyfriend is dating her without really ever asking her out. He offers to bring Jerry some Cuban cigars from Canada. Jerry takes advantage of his girlfriend’s ability to get anything she wants. Kramer searches for quarters for the dryer; when he can’t find anymore, he starts using an oven. George gets into tip trouble with the counter guy at the calzone shop and he works out an arrangement with Newman. That is unless of course it’s raining (Newman doesn’t deliver mail in the rain); Kramer helps out.

Steinbrenner: George let me tell you something. When I find something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday, turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl George! You’d eat the chili then you’d eat the bowl. Nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing just a table.

4. The Opposite    (Ep #86)

George comes to the realization that he should try to do the opposite of everything, so he does, his luck changes and everything begins to go his way including getting a girlfriend, a job with the Yankees and moving out of his parents’ house. Things begin to be unlucky for Elaine after she buys a box of “Jujyfruits.” Kramer appears on Regis & Kathie Lee to promote his coffee table book. Rachel wants to break up with Jerry and he readily agrees, because his luck has been “even Steven.” Elaine’s eating of “Jujyfruits” causes Pendant Publishing to go under, and later she realizes that she and George have traded places.

Yankees exec: This is Mr. Costanza. He’s one of the applicants.

Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same. But I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

3. The Rye    (Ep #121)

Elaine is dating a jazz saxophonist who’s sponge-worthy but “he doesn’t really like to do everything.” Jerry tells one of the members of his band that the saxophonist and Elaine are “hot and heavy.” Kramer stocks up on supplies, including 50 cans of “Beef-A-Reeno.”. Susan’s parents meet and have dinner with the Costanzas for the first time. Both families obsess over a loaf of rye bread that wasn’t served with the meal, which Frank takes back home. Elaine’s boyfriend writes a song about “their relationship,” which later has a big impact on his career. Kramer takes over a friend’s horse-drawn carriage for a week and helps George out with his scheme to replace the rye bread. Unfortunately, he feeds the horse a can of “Beef-A-Reeno” right before giving the Ross’s their ride. Jerry manages to get his hands on a loaf of marble rye.

Jerry: Shut up you old bag!

2. The Marine Biologist    (Ep #78)

Jerry meets an old college classmate who asked about George, whom Jerry says is now a “marine biologist.” An infuriated Russian writer tosses an electronic organizer belonging to Elaine out of a limousine that hits a passerby on the head. Kramer struggles with his golf swing and sand. While walking along the beach, George is called on to use his marine biology skills to save a whale.

George: The sea was angry that day, my friends – like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, “Easy, big fella!” And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

Jerry: Mammal.

George: Whatever.

Kramer: Well, what did you do next?

George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him – face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.

(George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball)

Kramer: What is that, a Titleist? 

(George nods)

Kramer: Hole in one, huh?

1. The Contest    (Ep #51)

George’s mother is forced to the hospital after she throws her back out when she falls down after catching him doing “you know”. When George says he’ll never do it again, Jerry challenges him to a contest of being “master of your domains”. When he accepts, Elaine and Kramer want in on the action, or rather the lack of it. 

Kramer: I’m out!!