Sleep On This!

This week’s blog is brought to you by guest-blogger, Larry “T-bone” Robkoff.

Robkoff, welcome aboard! For those of you that have not had the pleasure of knowing or meeting Larry, you’re life has not yet lived itself to the max. I met Larry when he hired me at TV Guide in 2002, and was unbelievable to work for. How unbelievable? The morning I told him I was moving to Houston, I almost vomited in Madeline’s office. I couldn’t imagine working for anyone else that would have me running through a brick wall for him or her. I knew he was going to be missed as a boss – but more as a friend. By the way, I’m well aware there’s a Madeline’s office/vomit joke in there somewhere… I haven’t missed it. Where was I?

Larry’s been behind the scenes and serving as a “blog whisperer” over the last couple of months for me. He nudged me into actually writing a “Friendship Application”, as well as predicting that an “Honesty Week” blog would go over well… or not so well in the case of Kaz Matsui. Larry is one of the coolest cats you could ever, ever meet. His most recent challenge is having me run down to the courthouse to change my last name to Blogna. We’ll see… it’s all yours T-bone.

 

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately and being a keen observer of the obvious, I have spotted a trend that has me a bit concerned. I have spent nearly my entire adult life learning to communicate in a way that is concise, clear and doesn’t cause people to point and giggle. As such, it frustrates me that a great many TV advertisers have adopted a style of communication whose soul purpose is to trick us into not hearing parts of their message.

Am I suggesting that advertisers are purposefully lying to us? While I’m sure some are completely comfortable doing so, I’m betting the majority are merely hoping that carefully written, mind-numbing language will lull us long enough to drive home whatever it is they’re peddling with pretty pictures.

In order to better illustrate what I’m talking about, let’s have a look at what is being said within a recent commercial promoting the use of the sleep aid Lunesta. The first thirty seconds of the commercial paints a picture of some poor, tired soul, desperate for a good night’s sleep. The second thirty seconds, likely constructed by copywriters working closely with legions of corporate attorneys, conveys lovely images of a woman sleeping peacefully while a Disney-like, gossamer butterfly flits about her face. She of course wakes rested and restored, thanks to Lunesta.

Here is what is being said in the last :30 of the commercial:

Be sure you have at least eight hours to devote to sleep before becoming active. Until you know how you will react to Lunesta, you should not drive or operate machinery. Do not take Lunesta with alcohol. Call your doctor right away if after taking Lunesta you walk, drive, eat or engage in other activities while asleep. In rare cases, severe allergic reactions can occur. Most sleep medicines carry some risk of dependency. Side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, drowsiness and dizziness.

Here is what is REALLY being said:

Be sure you have at least eight hours to devote to sleep… Even if a family of ferrets takes up residence in your pajamas, there is no way you’re waking up in less than eight hours.

Before becoming active. Plan NO early morning activities. In this case, early morning activities may include, but are not limited to: opening your eyes, breathing and getting out of bed.

Until you know how you will react to Lunesta… Take nothing for granted. You may in fact awaken to experience a severe psychotic episode in which Hollywood stars appear less self-serving, French fries are good for you and President Bush registers no difficulty pronouncing the word Nuclear.

You should not drive or operate machinery. Not only is driving ill advised, in most cases, you will be fortunate if you can operate a spoon.

Do not take Lunesta with alcohol. If you combine alcohol with Lunesta, we can’t even list the horrible things that might happen to you.

Call your doctor right away if after taking Lunesta you walk, drive, eat or engage in other activities while asleep.If you take Lunesta and then walk, drive, eat or possibly go bowling while sleeping, you should immediately call your doctor, who has probably had a tough day and deserves a good laugh.

In rare cases, severe allergic reactions can occur. Okay, in MOST cases, allergic reactions can occur. Some of these may be severe, meaning you may be sleeping forever.

Most sleep medicines carry some risk of dependency. You guessed it, this is one of those medicines.

Side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, drowsiness or dizziness. We’re hoping you focus on unpleasant taste and drowsiness and forget all about the fact that side effects may also include driving while you’re asleep!

Special thanks to my friend and fellow traveler, Dino for allowing me some space in which to rant. I now place you back in his capable and very funny hands. Okay, I’ve seen his hands and they’re not that funny, but you get the point!