The Application for Friendship

My therapist was right. She told me that no matter where I went in life, I would always be drawn to funny, creative, unusual, talented, warm, compassionate, friendly beings. Oddly enough, she never mentioned smart . I was told that these people would come in all sorts of sizes, genders and races. So be on the lookout for them.

You may not know this, but at least twice a year (for the last 10 years), I would yell out…”That’s it! In January, I’m getting all new friends. THAT’S my resolution.” What spurred on the comment was that somebody inevitably would do something to remind me that regardless of sex, race or gender – all my friends seemed to be identically alike. My buddy Hanoosh was on hand every time I yelled this out. Maybe Hanoosh was/is the problem? Maybe I’m the problem.

Last week’s blog did it for me. It confirmed my deepest fears. We started out so nicely, and we ended with a mother of 2 young kids offering to shave her back. That’s it people! I have to make some changes! All my friends, colleagues and acquaintances are all on the same side of the preverbal seesaw. I need to find some new blood. I’m by no means replacing anybody, just looking for balance. There is NO ONE on the other side of the seesaw. The Infamous E thinks my subconscious motive is to have these people in my life so that I can make fun of them. We’ll see.

I’m seriously overdue for balance. I need to know more people that go to the opera and read Shakespeare, and less that are willing to mud wrestle for the sake of continuing the blog. If all of you are a small reflection of who I am – then I don’t care for myself one bit. I hate to punish the group because of a few bad apples… but I think the whole orchard’s gone awry…

If you are interested in being my friend or acquaintance, please fill out the application below. There are no wrong answers – just honest ones. I’m sorry – but I need to get this all sorted out. I think this is the best way. I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. I hope you understand…

This blog is dedicated to T-Bone & Hanoosh for inspiring/challenging/almost daring me to write it. Happy Birthday to my dad, my sister Linda and my future daughter-in-law Isabella DeFabio.

1 What are you applying for today?

A.) Acquaintance

B.) Friendship

 

2 How long have you known me?

A.) Less than a year

B.) 1-3 years

C.) 3-5 years

D.) Too long

 

3 Do you think I’m funny?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

4 Do you think you’re funnier than me?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

5 Have you ever been invited to my house in Boston?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

6 Did you ever promise to “take care of me later”, if I helped you get through college?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) Yes – and I am taking care of you

D.) Yes – but I prefer to not be a man of my word

 

7 Have you ever called me and instructed/begged me to kick Cooley in the groin the next time I see him?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) No, but I’d like you to kick him now that you mention it.

 

8 Have YOU ever thrown a Superbowl Party at MY house?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

9 Have you ever cheated while playing golf with me?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

10 Have you ever tried to date my sister?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

11 Have you and I ever slept in the same room?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) No, let’s keep it that way.

 

12 My wife is…

A.) A Saint

B.) Blind and/or deaf

C.) A glutton for punishment

D.) All of the above

E.) One lucky woman

 

13 Has my mom ever cooked for you?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

14 Have you asked my parents to “adopt you”?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

15 Seeing me prepare canolis at work is…

A.) Normal behavior

B.) Normal behavior for someone like me

 

16 Have you ever tasted a canoli before meeting me?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) Yes – but not as good as yours

 

17 Oklahoma State University fans are…

A.) Fragile

B.) Misunderstood

C.) The worst fans on the planet

D.) All of the above

 

18 The Shopping Cart. The Carlton. The Cullino. The Hanoosh. The Jump Rope. The Running Thru The Forest. How many of these dances have you seen me either practice, or perform?

A.) None

B.) All

C.) Only a couple

D.) One too many

 

19 My dad is…

A.) One cool cat

B.) Not someone you want to cross

C.) An unbelievable dancer

D.) All of the above

E.) A Gangster for sure

 

20 My mom’s cooking is…

A.) Out of this world

B.) Making you fatter just thinking about it

C.) Don’t know – you’ve banned me from meeting her

 

21 If you beat me at golf, do you save the scorecard for future humiliation?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

22 If you lose a golf ball on the course, who you gonna call?

A.) Ball Busters

B.) Barlow

C.) Staffabio

D.) Moran

 

23 Richard and Lindsay Roberts are…

A.) Fragile

B.) Misunderstood

 

24 Who is Barlow Girl?

A.) A nickname Hanoosh made up for Brian Barlow that he prefers to use behind his back

B.) Christian rock group performing in Oklahoma City on Feb 28^th

C.) ummmm, both?

 

25 Who is my favorite Seinfeld character?

A.) Jerry

B.) George

C.) Kramer

D.) Newman

E.) Banya

 

26 Is my line in the sand a straight line, or is it a zig zag, as Justin likes to suggest?

A.) Straight

B.) Zig-Zag

C.) Either way, I’ve probably crossed it.

 

27 Do you read poetry on purpose?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

28 Have you ever gone to an opera – and attending was YOUR idea?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

29 If I mention an idea to you, and you mention said idea in a meeting – and the client loves the idea… what do you immediately do?

A.) Take credit for the idea

B.) Give me the proper credit right away

C.) Thank me privately for the idea

D.) Convince yourself the idea was yours

 

30 People who drive Harley’s are…

A.) Usually driving their bikes from the mechanics shop

B.) The coolest people on planet Earth

C.) So scary you have to respect them

D.) All of the above

 

31 Who is Newman?

A.) My dog

B.) Wayne Knight’s character on Seinfeld

C.) Randy Smothers

D.) All of the above

 

32 Who is T-bone?

A.) Me

B.) George Costanza

C.) Jamie Mickle

D.) Larry Robkoff

E.) All of the above

 

33 I live and die by the…

A.) Boston Rod Sox

B.) Boston Celtics

C.) Boston Bruins

 

34 Have you ever “heckled” with me at a sporting event?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) No – but I’d like to.

D.) Yes – and I’ll do it again.

E.) Yes – and I’ll NEVER do it again.

 

35 Michael Jackson enjoys shopping at Kmart because…

A.) He can’t afford to go anywhere else

B.) Boys pants are always half off

 

36 Should the Patriots have an *asterisk on their 2008 season?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

37 Did you see “Bo’s Sharona” in person at my wedding?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

38 If you could only pick one, which pro sport would you pay money to go see?

A.) Soccer

B.) Baseball

C.) Football

D.) Basketball

E.) Hockey

 

39 Do you think B. DeFabio and I “fixed” the March Madness pool brackets so that we would win 3 out the last 4 years?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

40 Have you ever “returned serve”?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) I’m not privy to what that means.

 

41 Have you ever voted for an American Idol?

A.) Yes

B.) No

 

42 Do you have any songs from the Backstreet Boys in your itunes library?

A.) Yes

B.) No

C.) I just go to Buck’s cube if I have an itchin’ for Nick Carter

 

43 Have you ever asked me if my baby brother was single?

A.) Yes

B.) No

44 Is there anything you’d like to say about yourself that would move you to the top of this list?